THE EXPENDABLES EPIC ULTIMATE REVIEW

This movie was surprisingly surprising.

BOOM* CRASH* BOOM* BOOM* SEVERED BODY* KABUGSH* BODY SLAM* KICK* BLOCK* KICK* KICK* BLOCK* STALONE* ARGUE* SHOUT* MONEY* BOOM* KABOOM* KNIVES* MORE KNIVES* THE TRANSPORTER* PUNCH* BLOCK* HANGMAN* KICK* KICK* BLOCK* CHOKE* HE-MAN* JET LI* BOOM* KABOOM* OLD SPICE* TERRY CREWS’ MUSCLES* EXPLOSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ROURKE* STALONE* CHRISTMAS WITH STATHAM* EVEN MORE KNIVES* UNNECESSARY EXPLOSION* TURRETS* AIRPLANE* KABOOM* BOOM* BOOM*KABOOM* FLEX* FLEX* KABOOM* KABOOM* MORE HE-MAN* COUTURE* TRUST* NO TRUST* KIDS* NO KIDS* GIRL* THAT GIRL FROM “ANGEL” WHO DID PLAYBOY ONCE* SOME UNKNOWN GIRL* KINDA WISH EVA MENDEZ WAS HERE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BRUCE WILLIS AND ARNOLD WERE HERE* STEVE AUSTIN TOO* CLOTHESLINE* CLOTHESLINE*CLOTHESLINE* PILEDRIVER* CLOTHESLINE* KABOOM* KABOOM*

TERRY CREWS WITH A M*@#$&!)^(@&% GUN* BLOOD* RED OOZING BLOOD* MORE BLOOD* OH GOD, THE BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TEARS AND LOVE….

CLOTHESLINE* BODY SLAM* SUPLEX* SUPLEX* GUNS BLAZING EVERYWHERE* MORE UNNECESSARY EXPLOSIONS* KABOOM* BOOM* BOOM* BOOM* A MACHINE GUN THAT OBVIOUSLY SHOULD BE MAKING MORE OF A “RATATATATAT” SOUND, BUT INSTEAD MAKES A LOW “KADIGSHDIGSHDIGSHDIGSH” SOUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ACTUALLY, YOU GET THE IDEA. MY FINGERS ARE – whoops, wait, caps lock off – tired of this exaggeration. Basically, go and watch it expecting an action movie, and you WILL come out of it more bloodthirsty than Edward Cullen from Twighlight.

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